Make ‘Em Laugh

At our Whiskey Roadhouse wedding reception, Matt’s spot-on Frank Sinatra serenade was a complete surprise to me. What a gift!

But Matt wasn’t done yet. To wrap up his set Saturday night, he offered up a few wedding jokes – which I have shared with you below.


For those who don’t know, Wendy used to be a polygamist. But it was reverse polygamy where she had seven husbands. She found out pretty quick that putting up with just one of me is more of a headache than seven men combined.

Wendy and I were happy for six years; then, we met.

But I’m excited to welcome a new family into my new life. Well, I should say three new families. I’ve been trying to get to know them better. In fact, I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months – only because I didn’t want to interrupt her.

They say that communication is the key to a successful marriage. Or something like that. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.

Last night a bearded man who claimed to be my father gave me some advice. He said that in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and no one listens – except for the neighbors.

Marriages are different all over the world. In Ass-Krusty-Stan you can trade a goat for a new wife. (And, ironically, they both have beards.) In China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. And in the United States, a man doesn’t really know his wife until he marries.

Earlier this week I sent our marriage license off to Mitt Romney. I wanted to see if he could find any loopholes. And to be fair, I sent the marriage certificate off to President Obama, as well; but, he said it was a fake.

For the first time this morning I woke up in bed with a beautiful woman with whom I’m going to have lunch and the rest of my life.

So let’s raise our glass for a toast. As some of you may know, I’m a little weird. But the truth is that we are all a little weird and life is very weird. So when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and we call it love. So what I’m trying to say is this: let’s get weird!

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